Ya know how I said I was in the ER for 6 hours a week ago or so? Well, the pain is back with a vengeance (pun intended). I missed two days of work this week because I could barely move. I’m happily surprised that I’m able to work today, but this pain just has no mercy!
I have no idea what it is, my doctor thinks it’s tight muscles, some people think it’s a physiological response to emotional pain, and I just have no idea. I’m leaning towards my doctor’s thoughts on this, it feels like muscle pain.
Today being my first day back at work, has been really difficult emotionally. Everywhere I look is a new reminder of lost memories, each one harshly prying at a fresh wound in my broken heart. Everyone I speak to reminds me of what used to be, everyone I see looks at me differently, every time I open my mouth I remember a feeling that’s been lost.
I feel scattered in the wind, lost in shards of brokenness. I know this process of healing must take time; I must allow myself to endure it before I can mend. Yet knowledge is sometimes not enough. When I feel like emptiness is choking me it takes every ounce of strength I have, to let it hurt, to battle my instinct of self preservation and allow myself to feel.
God is my refuge, my stronghold, my comfort. If I had no faith in Him, I would be lost forever. I can never fully heal without Him. Even now, I see that if I did not believe in Him, I would not be where I am now. I’m broken, I’m hurting, I’m shattered, but God has given me comfort in that. He has somehow helped me to feel human amidst my grieving.
Within my brokenness, within my pain, within my fear, within my confusion, God has given me hope. I have hope in all of this, that God loves me, that God cares about me, and that everything will be okay in time.
It is strange and confusing to be so broken, yet so hopeful.
I think that sentence perfectly describes the life of a believer. God heals the broken hearted.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
~ John 14:27 ESV
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
~ Jeremiah 29:11 ESV